Long post but I was inspired to be transparent….
2009 was about….
Worry and big decisions. I was in a good place financially, I was making good money with the financial services firm I was with as well as earning s secondary income as an Army Reservist. However, the housing market crash and government bailout put me in a precarious situation with the corporate firm. It didn’t get any better when I gave birth to my daughter. I knew that having a child—although a joyous occasion—was going to increase my current expenses, and if my income wasn’t going to match or exceed that, then I would have to make some major changes in my career. So I quit my job and took the opportunity to go on an active duty assignment. I figured that I can work on ADOS to balance my expenses while waiting for the economy to stabilize itself out. So I packed our bags and moved us to Indiana.
2010 was about….
Adjusting to change. I was in a new environment, new assignment, and adjusting to being a new Mom. I was flustered at first. Thankfully, I met a lot of great Service and Veteran Women who understood what it is like being a young Mom at a new duty station. They supported me greatly and I appreciate them for it.
2011 was about….
Fear and panic. While working on my 2nd set of ADOS orders, I find out during the government shutdown that there is no more funding so all of us that was on assignment (over 50 Soldiers & Airmen) will have to come off of orders. I was freaking out; I have NEVER been laid off before. Fortunately, I received TDY orders to Washington, but while there I was diagnosed with Granulomatous Mastitis, a rare autoimmune disease that attacks the breast tissue. Easily confused with breast cancer, the surgeons had me do a lumpectomy with a treatment plan at the Cancer center. Of course, I freaked out again. I did not know what the future held for me, so I did what any other crazy, strong woman would do; I put on my big girl panties and got ready for my recovery. Thankfully, I had a few Soldiers, in particular, a female Specialist (who was a RN on the Civilian side) who helped me with my recovery.
2012 was about….
New beginnings in the midst of a roller coaster. After being cleared to work again, I worked to lose the extra 60lbs I gained as a result from my treatment plan. During this time, my home burned down and my car gets stolen enroute to my new PCS assignment. Now if that’s not a crazy rollercoaster ride, I don’t know what is.
2013 was about….
Excitement and opportunity. When I was a young girl, I always dreamed of becoming a business owner. I told myself that I wanted to help others and bring love and positive energy to the world ever since I watched my Mother work on her craft business. My Mommy had this knack for bringing people together and putting smiles on their faces with her gift baskets and craftwork. I was determined to do the same, so I created Beyond Melanin, LLC, a beauty company that inspires to promote and empower “beauty beyond skin tone” through various skincare and haircare products.
2014 was about….
Deployment! What can I say about it? I learned so much from my time in Africa: the good, the bad, and the ugly LOL. I met so many amazing people there that I am proud to call Family. During my experience being overseas, I learned what it was like to work with all branches of the U.S. Military, as well as other Military branches from around the world. Working in a joint environment allowed me to truly see every avenue of our Military culture.
2015 was about….
Trauma. In my last month of deployment, I was violently beaten and sexually assaulted. This broke all facets of me: spiritually, mentally, emotionally and of course physically. Devastated and fearful from watching friends/colleagues get victimized from reporting their rape/sexual harassment, I did not report mine to my Command. I allowed fear to tell me to bury the trauma once I got back to the States.
2016 was about….
Staying busy to hide my shame. To try to forget what happened to me, I dove myself into work, church and building my company. I did everything I could to forget the pain and abuse, but I couldn’t get it out of my head. I would try to hide the pain with smiles and jokes whenever I ran into someone. I tried to make it about using Beyond Melanin to encourage my Sisters-in-Arms. But the truth is, I was looking for help and I did not know how to go about asking without looking weak or like some form of failure. So I kept it bottled up. For over a year, I did that and that dang near destroyed me. I had anxiety attacks almost on a daily basis; I allowed my anger and frustration to spill out in other ways; I would funnel most of my reactions thru this, making it where I would easily get offended and/or beat myself up on the smallest of disagreements/disappointments. I knew this was not of God. God is not a God of disorder or confusion; I knew that something had to be done but I couldn’t speak up, not to the right people anyway. Fortunately, my NCOIC knew something was up and told me to go seek help.
2017 was about….
Stepping out of fear. I wasn’t going to let what happened to me weigh me down. I finally reported my rape and started going to counseling. I started to open up again and become that social butterfly I used to be. I even opened myself up to love again. Based on my experiences and relationships with different Women, I decided to create The Military Diva blog. I wanted my blog to be used as a platform to illustrate to the world all the amazing things my Sisters-in-Arms can do and to let my Sisters know that everyone goes thru the same struggles no matter what branch you work for. It started to look like my life was getting right back on track……
2018 was about….
Cracking under pressure. This is the year when everything went to Sugar-Honey-Ice-Tea. I was a huge ball of emotion; my anxiety and depression came back in full force; I was having nightmares and was afraid to go to sleep. I would have crying fits and angry outbursts. My weight kept going up and down like a yo yo which definitely did not help me with promotion and career progression. I was having a hard time not seeing every person (particularly male) who entered in my life as my next attacker. Things got worse when the relationships of those I thought were in my circle ended. I couldn’t hold it together, even though I fought so hard to keep my emotions in check. My breaking point came when I thought of doing the unthinkable; I decided to take steps to end my life. Fortunately, I had a few good Leaders and Loved Ones who took action when I was about to take those steps. Because of them, I’m still standing and I’m forever grateful.
2019 was about….
Healing and Rediscovery. I did something I never thought I would ever get to do again: take care of myself. With the full support of my Command, family and friends, I went into counseling again and started to go thru the healing process. I learned so much about myself during this time (good, bad, and ugly) that I couldn’t help but appreciate the strength and faith God gave me. Most importantly, I learned to forgive myself; I blamed myself for so long on what happened to me and all the crazy baggage that came with it that I never thought to think that it was never my fault. I held unto the pain for so long that it became very difficult to let go. Thankfully, my tribe helped me thru the process and helped me to realize who I am and WHOSE I am. I’m grateful to God because He surrounded me with the right people to help me on my journey.
Now…..
Now you know my story. I do not know where 2020 will take me, but I am highly optimistic on the future and I am very excited for the ride. Rediscovering who I am and learning to love myself again is such an incredible journey. I hope that sharing my story and highlighting others achievements will encourage someone to not face their journey alone.
